I am tired...
Tired of putting my whole heart, soul and time into something and then failing. I took my nursing boards this week and didn't pass. I studied so hard. I neglected my husband, baby and house for a few weeks and really studied... I have already shed my tears, had my grumpy days and am slowly gearing up to drop another couple hundred dollars and start the studying process again. It was hard the past coupe weeks to find the time to study... I don't know if you remember but I sorta have a 6 month old baby who is VERY active! :) Both me and Emmett were sick as well and my house became the biggest disaster I have ever seen. There was no food, nor were meals prepared, and grocery shopping got pushed to the end of the list... I am so lucky to have such a fabulous husband who, when he was home, did some cleaning and took care of Emmett... despite the fact that he works early mornings and has mucho homework. (See next paragraph) I decided to give myself a week to recooperate, clean and get feeling better. I plan to enjoy the nice weather, conference weekend and a little shopping in salt lake next week... and then it is back on the wagon! I won't fail again!
I am also tired of barely seeing my husband. He works in the morning at 6 heads up to school at 11 and gets home at 4, usually I head off to work at 5 and return home at 10 and we go to bed... What a life. I can't wait for the day when I can stay home with the baby and not have to work and when Preston is done with school! 2 years people.. and we will be done. Master's degree. Can't wait for that day. Preston is amazing at he does and I can't wait to see him use what he has learned! He is planning on Utah State for his master's program starting this fall. He is joining the ... well that's an entirely separate post altogether, which I will get to, all in good time. I will say that you will probably judge us but that I KNOW this is what has always been in store for our family. I don't like it very much but it is right. And in a few short years I can complain a little more about not seeing my husband...
Me: "Wow, I am exhausted. Emmett was up twice last night."
Coworker: "Well, it was your choice to have a baby.."
Um, yeah. It was my choice. And it was the BEST choice I ever made! I spent some time with a few friends from high school last night, friends I haven't really seen since graduation despite living in the same town. And I can't get over the comment "I'm not ready for kids, I'm too selfish". Now I simply ADORE the girl that made this comment but it hurt me inside. She was right I suppose, being a mom is extremely selfless, but I don't think I really discovered who I was till I had Emmett. He is the single most important thing in my life, okay Preston makes a close second. I don't think I fully understood "loving who you serve" before having a baby. I have done my fair share of service projects and helping those around me but really loving them...I realize I am kind of rambling and I guess I don't entirely know how to put into words how I feel right now. Simply put, I feel closer to my Heavenly Father each time I look into my little Emmett's eyes. I feel closer to my Savior as I sacrifice things that I want(or thought I wanted) in life to provide Emmett everything he needs. Life is definitely more complicated, and a whole lot more selfless, but I couldn't be happier.
When I sat down to write this I guess I intended it to be a little more bitter and full of rage... Isn't it amazing how the spirit can change the way you are feeling in a matter of minutes. Anyway, thanks for reading. Leave a comment. Loves.
Oh Amanda my dear, first, I will give you 100% sympathy because I understand. I promise, I really do.
ReplyDeleteAbout your tests, I know SO many people who take those and then have to retake them. They are HARD. Now that you have taken them once it gives you a good idea of what to expect when you re-take them- and I'm sure you will do AWESOME!!
And not seeing Preston. Worst. Thing. Ever. I know. I am lucky if I see Brandon when he gets home from work for an hour or so until he needs to go back to bed. It is DRAINING. Also, it's hard on your relationship. (at least it is for us.) I just keep telling myself the SAME thing.... "this will be worth it when he's done with school...." or "enjoy it now because in a few years I'll REALLY know what it's like to never see him." If you need someone to watch little Emmett so you can have some quality, date time, you CALL ME! K?!?!
You're doing great my dear! I know some days are harder then others and some days it just feels like too dang much to take on. But you're a tough little bean and your mind is set on the finish line. :) This too shall pass!!!!!! Love your face lots and lots, and I'm sorry I just left you a novel. :)
Amanda! It sucks you failed but it just makes you better prepared for next time!! Things happen for a reason! Don't ever let people get you down especially if its something that they have never experienced!
ReplyDeleteLoves! :)
I too understand! Having a baby is the one of the hardest things I have ever done, but it is also the best thing I have ever done. But like you said, when you look into their eyes, or they smile at you, and now when Hailey reaches for me, you feel such an amazing feeling of love and gratefulness that YOU get to raise this sweet child. I've told Ty this many times, because he isn't around very much either due to school and work, that all the matters is family. School, work, tests, projects, they are only temporary, but it's your family that you should put the most effort into and send as much time as you can with. We just need to get together and vent sometime, our babies can play together for a minute and we might get just a moment of rest:)
ReplyDeleteDear Amanda,
ReplyDeleteIt is so hard! I don't think I handled it very well when I was your age. I cried, got angry and even resented my husband for the time he was away and I was left at home with the kids. At times our relationship suffered because of my attitude. I never would have believed that now--as an old woman--I would be able to look back on that time in our lives with fondness and good memories. You expressed yourself so well in your post when you said that you "feel closer to your Heavenly Father each time (you) look into little Emmett's eyes." That's what I now remember. It is real joy being a mother. I don't think I truly understood why or how that could be so until I came across this quote from Elder Holland. It spoke volumes to me and perhaps will to you as well.
"Why is life so hard? . . . If it is God's work and His glory, why is it so hard?! Salvation is not a cheap experience, and it was never meant to be easy. Let us not worry about why it is so hard. Accept difficulties, count it a privilege to suffer and be discomforted, because in some small way you are sharing in our Savior's experience."
I didn't understand it fully at the time, but I was growing closer to my Savior, understanding His atonement, learning to love as He loves, to sacrifice as He sacrifices and work as He works. I wouldn't trade that for anything.
This is not to trivialize your difficulties right now. Not at all--just to reaffirm to you that you are right. It is hard. It is worth the struggle. Cry a little, get a angry a little, and then pick yourself up and carry on. We all love and admire you!
Aunt Deb
Wow!! I can't even come close to the awesome advice and words that your aunt Deb shared but I will atleast put my two cents in!
ReplyDeleteI can totally relate to you! It is so hard being a mommy and trying to do all of the things that you need to do (tests and all!) Dave works 6am-7pm most days and then comes home to eat dinner and then goes to the farm to feed animals and gets home about 9:30! It's so hard to have so many things to do and then on TOP of that, to not see your husband and try to be a good mom. I have not yet figured out a solution, but everything happens for a reason even when we don't understand what the reason is! It's hard not to fall to pieces when things get tough!! I hope that you find some time to see your husband and that the exams work out better for you next time.
Hey love! You are doing your best and that's all you can do! Keep your chin up. It's the times like these that someday we'll miss. (maybe haha). Love you lots!
ReplyDeleteHey manda,
ReplyDeleteI am always here for you! Be happy and we will play soon:)
Love, your best friend and sister
Em